But there's another category of things said that are meant to be helpful, usually come from well meaning friends, family, and acquaintances, but can tear us down just as much. Here's a list of some of the most frustrating, but also, most common.
"Get Well Soon."
The conditions I have are chronic. The damage that they've caused to my body is permanent. I will have good days, but this isn't something that I'll recover from. I'll never return to perfect health. There is no recovery from these conditions. There is no "getting well."
Statements like "Get Well" or "Get Well Soon" make me feel dismissed, as if either haven't been listening, don't believe me, or don't take me seriously.
"You Should Exercise More/Lose Weight/Eat a Certain Way [or fill in the blank with other helpful advice]."
First, anytime someone starts a sentence with "you should", my inner rebel (who I believe to be a 16 year old girl) laughs and says "make me."
Unless you're on my medical team and I've asked for your medical opinion and advice, I have no interest in what you think I should do with my health and body. Your well-intentioned--but unsolicited--advice is not wanted.
If someone says something like this to me, I don't find it helpful. I find it dismissing and in some cases, quite hurtful.
"My cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother's vet had that and tried XYZ treatment and is cured!"
I have to say that any approach that starts off listing a variety of family members or friends who have been "cured", it sounds like an urban legend, which takes away a lot of authenticity of the statement.
I've been going through this for a long time now and have run the gambit of treatments, both of the Western Medicine variety and the Eastern Medicine variety. In the past, for a number of years, I successfully controlled my Fibromyalgia with diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, massage, and acupuncture. Unfortunately, that is no longer an option, particularly since I now have conditions that must be controlled through medication otherwise I risk more damage to my body.
I can safely say that I have been on almost all medications that have been prescribed for Fibromyalgia at least at some point in my history. The few that I have not been on have been because they're either contraindicated (I was on a medication in that class and it did not go well) or I refuse to go on it due to side effects (i.e.-Lyrica and the weight gain).
And there are people and organizations out there who attempt to profit off of people like me--those dealing with chronic pain/invisible illness and wanting some sort of relief from the pain and fatigue. Because of that, I'm pretty cautious these days about what I'll try. So, I appreciate the advice, but please, save your breath.
"I Know How You Feel."
No. You don't. Even individuals who experience chronic pain cannot say that they know how another person experiencing chronic pain feels or what they're going through. There may be certain circumstances you can relate to, but no two people experience these sorts of things in the same way.
"Just Think Positive." "Think of All the Good You Have in Life." "Think About What You're Grateful For."
These statements are so dismissive to someone going through a rough time. Is it a good thing to look at things positively? Sure. But there are times in everyone's life when someone just needs to vent or needs support. By saying these things, not only have you not offered support, but you've also dismissed what they're experiencing as something that's not important to you. And since these conditions can start to encompass the entire being, you've just managed to say to them that they're not important to you.
"Other People Have it Worse than You."
Yes. There are other people in the world who have it harder than me. I acknowledge this. It's one of the reasons I advocate for individuals living with Chronic Pain/Invisible Illness. It's also why (in my professional life) I've chosen to work with and advocate for individuals experiencing Serious and Persistent Mental Illness.
But this statement is so hurtful and dismissive. Imagine you've just gone through the worst day of your life, and a loved one says this to you upon you venting about it. Doesn't feel so great, does it?
Helpful Things to Say
If you want to offer support, try these:
"I believe you."
"I'm here for you."
"How are you?"
"How can I help you?"
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"Thank you for talking to me about this."
A link to the definitions of conditions listed in my medical chart
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